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DMBRJ

Don’t be the Dumber You.

Five reflexes that show up in the second before a hard conversation goes wrong. A check for catching them in yourself, and a lens for seeing them aimed at you.

DMBRJ

Dismiss · Minimize · Blame · Rationalize · Justify

The moment before

Every hard conversation has a moment right before it goes wrong. Someone tells you that something you did hurt them. Your chest tightens. And before you have decided anything, a sentence is already on its way out of your mouth.

DMBRJ is a list of what that sentence usually is. Dismiss it. Minimize it. Blame someone. Rationalize it. Justify it. Five ways of not feeling the thing you were just handed.

Most of this site describes emotionally immature people from the outside. This page is different. These five reflexes are not a diagnosis of someone else. They are fleas: habits you pick up by growing up around them, and carry into your own relationships without noticing.

A black leather bracelet with a small gold plate engraved DMBRJ, lying on a wooden table
one year, every day

Kim’s Thoughts

“I wore these five letters on a bracelet, every day, for a full year. Not as a reminder that other people do this. As a reminder that I do. Every time I caught my hand on it mid-argument, I got one extra second. That second was usually enough.”

As a mirror

Run the letters on yourself. When someone brings you a hurt, notice which one your first sentence is reaching for. You do not have to stop it. You only have to see it. Seeing it is the whole exercise.

As a shield

Run the letters on the conversation. When you bring someone a hurt and the reply walks down this list, you are not in a dialogue. You are watching a defense. Stop presenting evidence and hold your original line.

D

Dismiss

Waving the thing away before it lands. Not arguing with it, not even hearing it. Just declining to let it be a topic.

“Oh, that’s nothing.”

“You’re overthinking this.”

“Can we not do this right now?”

“Anyway.”

In the mirror

Notice the urge to change the subject, check your phone, or answer a different question than the one you were asked. Dismissing feels like calm. It is usually avoidance wearing calm’s clothes.

Behind the shield

You raised something that mattered to you and the conversation simply moved on, as if you had said nothing. You are left wondering whether you actually said it.

M

Minimize

Admitting it happened, then shrinking it. The fact is conceded; the size is contested.

“It was a joke.”

“It was one time.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“You’re being a bit sensitive.”

In the mirror

Listen for the word “but” right after “yes.” “Yes, I said that, but…” Everything after the “but” is you negotiating the other person’s hurt down to a price you can afford.

Behind the shield

They agree it happened and then argue about how much it should have hurt. The hurt is yours. Nobody else gets to set its size.

B

Blame

Moving the cause somewhere else. Onto the other person, onto a third party, onto stress, onto the day.

“You made me.”

“If you hadn’t started…”

“Your mother was the one who…”

“I was exhausted.”

In the mirror

The tell is a sentence that starts with “you.” The moment your reply begins with what they did, you have left your own behaviour behind and are now discussing theirs.

Behind the shield

You came in holding a hurt and walked out holding the responsibility for it. If you find yourself apologising for raising the topic, the blame has landed.

R

Rationalize

Building a logical story in which what happened makes sense and therefore needs no feeling. The explanation is offered instead of the apology, not before it.

“I only did it because…”

“Look, the reason was…”

“You have to understand the context.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

In the mirror

Explaining is fine. Explaining as a wall is not. If you have been talking for a while and have not yet said how the other person feels, you are rationalizing.

Behind the shield

A well-argued reason that somehow never arrives at “I’m sorry.” You may even find yourself nodding. Ask afterwards whether anything was actually acknowledged.

J

Justify

Declaring it was right. Not that it didn’t happen, not that it was small, but that it was deserved.

“You deserved it.”

“Anyone would have done the same.”

“Someone had to say it.”

“I stand by it.”

In the mirror

You have stopped asking whether it hurt and started arguing that it should have. This is the last letter for a reason. It is the one that ends relationships.

Behind the shield

The final line of the Narcissist’s Prayer: “And if I did, you deserved it.” When you hear this, the conversation is over. Not because you lost. Because there was never a conversation.

Two sides of the same table

The recovery community has long had an acronym for the other chair. Read them together.

JADE

Justify · Argue · Defend · Explain

What the person on the receiving end does. When someone will not hear you, the reflex is to explain harder, argue better, and defend yourself until they finally get it. They will not get it. JADE is the advice to stop trying.

The person being dismissed, minimized, blamed.

DMBRJ

Dismiss · Minimize · Blame · Rationalize · Justify

What the person on the other side does. When someone brings you something uncomfortable, the reflex is to make it smaller, make it theirs, or make it right. DMBRJ is the advice to notice before you do.

The person doing the dismissing, minimizing, blaming.

Notice that Justify sits on both lists. Both chairs are trying to escape the same discomfort. One escapes by talking more, the other by refusing to listen. Rootwork is built on the belief that both sides can heal, and that most of us have sat in both chairs.

How to use it

  1. 1
    Notice the tightening. Someone has just told you something you did not want to hear. Your body knows before you do.
  2. 2
    Name the letter. Which one is your first sentence reaching for? Say it silently. “That’s a Minimize.”
  3. 3
    Take the second. You do not need a better sentence yet. “Let me sit with that” is a complete reply.

Everyone does all five. The goal is not to never do them again. The goal is to see them one second sooner than you did last time.

Read next

The Narcissist’s PrayerThe EIP ToolbeltDARVOBoundariesThe Journey Map

DMBRJ is an original framework by the author of Rootwork. JADE comes from the Al-Anon and recovery community. The five reflexes overlap with the defenses Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson describes in emotionally immature people; the mirror use is the part that is new.